Sunday, February 16, 2014

Meet The Press – February 16, 2013


Guests
Chuck Todd

David Axelrod

Richard Engel

Ramzan Kadyrov – President of Chechnya

Bill Nye

Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN)

Mitt Romney

Julie Pace

Nicole Wallace

Andy Cohen

Harry Smith

Brian Boitano



Gregory: OMG let's talk about 
something really important – 
the USA won a hockey game!



Todd: Putin was sitting right there

it was like Rocky IV



Gregory: we beat the Russkies!



Axelrod: people love this stuff



Wallace: it's like the Cold War

all over again



Gregory: like the miracle on ice!



Engel: I was there –

it was amazing



Gregory: awesome



Engel: there have been no terrorism

at the Games and that's because Putin

is cracking down terrorists but also

showering Chechnya with cash



Gregory: wow



Engel: Grozny was destroyed and

now rebuilt and better than ever –

it's like Las Vegas except in 20 years

it will still have water



Kadyrov: we rebuilt the land with 
help from God and Putin



Engel: you are rich with rc helicopters

and your own private zoo



Kadyrov: it's good to be President



Engel: people say you are a brutal dictator



Kadyrov: nonsense – who says this?

I will have them killed



Gregory: so what about the terrorists?



Engel: Chechens have fled to Dagestan

it's drab and violent like Camden

but with less snow



Gregory: thanks Richard



[ break ]



Gregory: welcome Mitt –

experts keep saying there

will definitely be terrorism in Sochi –

have fears been overblown?



Romney: no but the games are very safe



Gregory: you boldly wrote an

op-ed saying Russia spent

too much on the Olympics



Romney: yes – you don't need to spend

$50 billion on Olympics – you could spend

that money on fighting poverty or disease

or a country club membership



Gregory: I bet Putin thinks it was worth it



Romney: no doubt but he is unsavory

and the IOC should order countries

not to spend a lot of money on the games



Gregory: you want to turn US

sovereignty over to the IOC?



Romney: hey at least it's not the UN



Gregory: should a US city still try

to host a Games?



Romney: oh definitely –

it's fun to service others



Gregory: do you think gay marriage

is wrecking society?



Romney: yes because kids need a

mother and a father except when they don't



Gregory: any other problems?



Romney: no that's basically it –

ideally kids will have a Mom

and a Dad and a trust fund



Gregory: Republicans are losing this fight



Romney: okay but you have to stand for

what you believe in – single parents are bad



Gregory: got it



Romney: also courts should not decide

Constitutional rights except for the

Second Amendment



Gregory: What about Monica Lewinsky?



Romney: Benghazi



Gregory: okay but the GOP wants

to run against Bill Clinton



Romney: well he embarrassed the

nation but that's not Hillary's fault



Gregory: [ grinning ] when asked if you

would run for President again you said

no no no no no no no no –

so I ask you if will you run for President?



Romney: no



Gregory: do you seen yourself as

a loser for life or are you a

magnificent human being?



Romney: more the latter Fluffy



Gregory: tell me more



Romney: Obama has failed to get

unemployment below 5%



Gregory: tell me more



Romney: the deficit!



Gregory: will America win gold?



Romney: gosh I hope so



Gregory: me too



Romney: Shaun White is a good sportsman



Gregory: he's gone corporate



Romney: some of my best friends

own teams which play hockey games



[ break ]



Gregory: wow there are endless snowstorms

in the east and an epic drought out west



Audience: arrrrgh



Gregory: the British blame floods

on climate change



British: bloody fossils



Gregory: welcome Bill and Marcia –

with all this extreme weather do

we need to act on climate change?



Nye: yes we need to build better

batteries which can also make us rich



Blackburn: Bill Nye is not a scientist 
he's an actor



Gregory: burn



Blackburn: anyway no one weather event

can be blamed on climate change so

who knows what the truth is?



Nye: I do



Gregory: there is scientific consensus

on climate change isn't there?



Nye: yes the fossil fuels industry

is just trying to confuse people



Gregory: ok Marcia is failing here

so let me make the argument for her

climate change is real but any

solutions will hurt the economy



Blackburn: there is no such thing

as climate change and no

scientific consensus at all!



Gregory: Marcia PG&E believes in

man-made climate change for gosh sakes!



Blackburn: well fine but you 
can't pass laws based on unproven 
science and hypotheses



Nye: look at this picture of the Antarctic

it's shrinking!

[ holds up picture of south pole ]



Gregory: let me come to Marcia's rescue

addressing climate change is very expensive



Blackburn: biologists tell us carbon

has a lot of benefits – we need more carbon!



Nye: [ stunned look ]



Gregory: Bill how can we cut carbon

without a political consensus?



Nye: how about we just try to

use energy efficiently – is that okay 
or a communist plot?



Gregory: please bash Obama for me



Blackburn: climate change may be real

but America can't afford to address it



Gregory: Mr Nye?



Nye: looks like I picked the wrong

week to quit drinking



Blackburn: by the way I love you in that

tv show about the flying phone booth

is that a documentary?



Nye: [ head explodes ]



Blackburn: Bill?



Gregory: his head exploded Marcia



Blackburn: awww bless his heart



[ break ]



Gregory: panel there is scientific agreement

on climate change but nothing is

getting done politically



Axelrod: because no one wants to

sacrifice to solve a problem 
100 years from now



Pace: Congress can barely agree

to not to go into default



Todd: environmentalists should stop

talking about stopping man-made

climate change and focus on dealing with it



Gregory: [ grinning ]

politicians pay a price when it snows!



Wallace: sure we could wreck

the American economy but it wouldn't

make a dent so why bother



Gregory: President McCain 
wants to attack Syria



Todd: this is consuming Obama but

he's not going invade another

middle eastern country



Gregory: interesting



Pace: diplomacy isn't working but

no one wants another war



Axelrod: it's horrific but the American

people don't care that much



Wallace: John McCain and Lindsay Graham

were willing to work with Obama when

they thought he was going to 
bomb the shit out of Syria



Gregory: sometimes it almost seems like

invading the middle east doesn't always work



Wallace: Obama ruined America

forever when he didn't bomb Syria



Todd: when he suggested it he

had no political support at all



Wallace: Obama is weak and that's

why people are dying in Syria



Todd: the Republicans pitched a fit

and rejected action in Syria!



Gregory: thanks for coming guys



[ break ]



Gregory: it's been a big week for gay athletes



Smith: the Attorney General will recognize

gay rights and a star football player came out



Cohen: his college teammates didn't mind



Smith: they accepted him



Cohen: it's incredible



Smith: then there's Russia



Cohen: I refused to go – I could be

stoned for promoting basic gay rights



Smith: what about Putin



Cohen: when I see him my blood boils



Smith: well he is kind of evil



Cohen: the mayor of Sochi said there

are no gay people there –

let me tell him there are now!



Boitano: I truly believe the Olympics will

never be held in a place without

good human rights record



Smith: Putin hugged a gay person by mistake



Cohen: wouldn't it be great if that rat-faced

bastard learned that something from all this?



[ break ]



Gregory: Nicole is the GOP 
ready for the gays?



Wallace: the GOP has to be a party

open and tolerant to all – those who believe

in equal rights for everyone and those

who believe in rights only for themselves



Gregory: and that's another 
episode of Meet The Press






No comments: